So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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