I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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