Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
