When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
