The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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