the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
