I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We have so much sex to catch up on
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
