You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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