I am spending my child support on dildos
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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