my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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