At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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