My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
