I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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