going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
