obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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