i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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