you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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