I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
