Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
