Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
