Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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