she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
