and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
