i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
