Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
