I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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