i used baking grease as lip gloss
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
