apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
