I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
