Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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