Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
