I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
