I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
