i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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