I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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