It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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