i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
