Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
