New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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