Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
