Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
