i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
