Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
