Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
