What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
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