I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
