cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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