using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
