I hope my margaritas pass through security.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
