I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
