I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
They have beer where we have blood.
True strength comes from lack of pants
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
